


When in Rome

by Der_Spatz



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Casual Sex, Crack, Cultural Differences, Exhibitionism, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Public Sex, Rimming, Sibling Incest, Trans Character, Trans Nori (Tolkien), Voyeurism, bilbo has an exhibitionism kink he didn't know about, casual orgies, dwarrows are very casual about sex in public, dwarves don't know about anal sex, forges and hammers, handjobs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2020-05-14 07:23:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19268509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Der_Spatz/pseuds/Der_Spatz
Summary: Bilbo discovers something new about dwarven culture and he adapts remarkably well.





	1. The beginning (or how the ponies were lost without anyone noticing)

**Author's Note:**

> This will be just porn until further notice. Later chapters will be longer.

The first time Bilbo saw it happen, it was just before the trolls. He was bringing the lads their meals and was greeted by soft moans and hushed giggles. And a couple of seconds later, he was also greeted by the sight of the two young dwarves sitting side by side, leaning back on a fallen tree… with their hands down each other’s pants. Very busy hands that didn’t slow down in the slightest when they saw him appear. On the contrary, Kíli gifted him with his trademark wide puppy smile and announced cheerfully:

“Fíli, look, it’s mister Boggins! Hello, mister Boggins!”, and wasn’t that a peculiar thing to say while you were giving your brother what looked like a very enthusiastic handjob? _And_ getting one in return?

“Good evening, mister Baggins”. Well, at least this one didn’t mess up his name on the regular. Still. They were… at it. Right there. In front of him. And it didn’t look like any of them was particularly ashamed of that fact. Or had any intention to stop.

Now, it wasn’t like Bilbo was a prude. Far from it, actually, he enjoyed sex and he enjoyed it regularly because he was certainly easy for the eyes and a skilled lover with a great reputation, thank you very much. But he had never done something like this, in the open, in _public,_ for Yavanna’s sake! Nevermind the _brothers_ thing.

But still. He was the intruder in their culture, right? So it was a possibility that this was a normal thing to do between dwarves… right? Maybe they were even giving him a sign of trust or something. So yeah. Nothing to be ashamed of here. Ignoring his furious blush the best he could, he squared his shoulders and cleared his throat.

“I bought your dinner”

“Right. We are nearly finished here, mister Boggins, won’t be a minute. Fíli, would you squeeze just a little down there? Aaah, that’s it, there…” And then the young prince gave a long obscene moan and a tiny jerk of hips and very visibly came in his brother’s hand. He then sagged against the tree with a satisfied sigh to ride the aftershocks. Bilbo just stood there awkwardly, bowl of stew in each hand, unsure of what to do. What was the etiquette in these cases? Should he offer his congratulations? Say “that looked like a good one”? Did one comment on other people’s sex when they were having it right in front of you?

Then Kíli tackled his brother, opened his breeches and swallowed what looked like an impressive amount of dwarven cock in one go and suddenly Bilbo was too impressed to feel awkward. Why, that took him _ages_ to master, and that was with hobbit-sized cocks. Were all dwarves so well… endowed? Suddenly, the heat on his face was not just shame. Oh my, how would _that_ feel going up his…?

Right then, Fíli choked on air and grabbed his brother’s head, arching his back from the ground in a beautiful arch and Kíli was swallowing… and swallowing… and oh my, that was a lot of seed as well. Bilbo was feeling a bit faint at this point.

Kíli resurfaced, licking his lips and looking very much like the cat that got the cream.

“Well, mister Boggins, what was that about dinner?”


	2. What happens in Rivendell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No”
> 
> “Oh, come on, ye big oaf. Ye know ye want it” Nori’s unmistakable voice drifted through the silence… and Bombur’s snores. And Gloin’s.
> 
> A mumbling sound answered Nori.
> 
> “Don’t ‘ye thief’ me. Ye know ye’ve been wanting t’fuck me since ye threw me in a cell the first time”

The second time, it happened in Rivendell. The dwarves were given their own set of rooms, but they decided to bring all the mattresses to the bigger one (which happened to be Thorin’s, of course) and sleep together, just in case the awfully nice and helpful elves decided to turn evil in the middle of the nigh and attack them, supposed Bilbo. He tried to sneak out and sleep in his own room without being deafened by atrocious snoring for once, but Dwalin snagged him up and put him in the center of the big dwarven pile and now there was no hope of making a go for it. Oh well. At least they were warm. And surprisingly cuddly. Bilbo wasn’t about to admit it, but he had… certain propension to feel touch-starved and he supposed he had been feeling a bit lonely lately. That, at least, wasn’t a problem with a pack of dwarves who happened to be _very_ fond of touching.

So anyways, there he was now, trying to sleep, sandwiched between Bofur (who was rapidly becoming a friend and a very nice presence to have around and be comfortable with) and Bifur (who was surprisingly nice and gentle one you got over the whole axe-on-the-head thing). He was nestled in Bifur’s arms, which were circling him from behind, and Bofur had his face buried on the hobbit’s neck (Bilbo was now trying not to inhale the damn hat. Did that thing ever come off? Surely Bofur washed it every once in a while… right?).

Then he heard shuffling and a whisper:

“No”

“Oh, come on, ye big oaf. Ye know ye want it” Nori’s unmistakable voice drifted through the silence… and Bombur’s snores. And Gloin’s.

A mumbling sound answered Nori.

“Don’t ‘ye thief’ me. Ye know ye’ve been wanting t’fuck me since ye threw me in a cell the first time”

Here, Bilbo fought hard not to betray himself with a sharp inhale. Honestly, these dwarves had no shame, no shame at all. And in a room full of people, of all places!

“Ye bloody liar, ye don’t feel like it my ass! Ye could crack a bloody rock with that thing!”

Bilbo gave up and hid his burning face in Bofur’s hat. Which turned out to be a good thing, because apparently Dwalin’s pretense finally broke and suddenly there was a lot more rustling and some (smug) moaning and something… squelching and some grunting and… and Bilbo was now breathing very shallowly, feeling more tense than a bow’s string about to snap, and his blush probably reached even his fuzzy toes at this point and he was trying not to imagine Dwalin and Nori going at it but they were making it very hard (no pun intended) because they were _not_ trying to be discreet. Someone snorted when Nori gave a luxurious long moan and a slapping sound started to build rhythmically and Bilbo became even more conscious of being in a _room full of people_ where two of said people were… were… Bilbo squirmed and firmly told himself _not to get hard._ Ah well, too late. Bollocks.

“Bilbo?” Bofur’s sudden whisper made him visibly jump and stiffen a tiny yelp. The dwarf’s face then lifted from his neck and his friend peered at him curiously “Ye alright?”

“Oh yes, yes, certainly, I am…” A hard slap sound followed by loud grunting and moaning cut him off “I am quite well, Bofur, thank you”.

“But ye’re wiggling. And ye’re flushed. Maybe ye’re coming down with something. Oin…”

“No! No, no need to call Oin, I’m fine” Bilbo coughed and looked down, but he knew Bofur wouldn’t be dissuaded with just that. He was surprisingly perceptive, that one. “It’s just… it’s not done amongst hobbits, this.”

“This? Ye mean sleep together? But we’ve been doin’ it since the start.”

“No, I mean… I mean what Dwalin and Nori are doing”. Please, let him take a hint.

“Fuck?” Okay, hint taken. Hint very taken.

“Yes, that. Or… anything like that”

“Ye don’t fuck?” Bofur was frowning now “But I saw a lot of wee ones, I should think ye…”

“No! Yes! We do that” Oh, wasn’t that conversation just perfect? And with everyone listening, too, busybodies that they were “We just don’t do it… in public”

“Oh” Bofur’s frown relaxed a bit “And why the hell not?” Bifur tightened his hold on the hobbit and rumbled something that seemed to go in the same direction.

“I… now that you ask, I don’t really know. But it’s considered… too intimate”

“Well, I don’t see the problem with it, as long as ye don’t do it in front of the wee ones. Everyone fucks, just like everyone sleeps and eats”

“I… I guess so. It’s just… not done”

“Ye don’t mind, do ye? Because I’m not about to stop just ‘cause of yer delicate sensibilities”, said Nori between pants.

“No, I…” Bilbo coughed again “Do carry on, please”

“Right on”

“If you have a problem with our ways, you should say it, burglar”. Thorin’s deep voice startled him, closer than he thought the king was “And if they make you uncomfortable, you can always sleep with the elves. You seem to like them”

“Of course you’ll make that sound like a damn insult”, mumbled Bilbo, eyes closed.

“I don’t think our burglar has a problem with it” Bofur was smiling, he just knew it. Oh, he already didn’t like this one bit “I think he’s quite interested, actually.”

“I… well, I say… I most certainly…” Bilbo broke off with an undignified squeal when Bofur’s hand petted his traitorous hard-on like a particularly obedient dog.

“Just say the word and I stop” Bofur’s whiskers tickled the tip of his nose. His breath was warm on Bilbo’s cheek “Do ye want me to stop?”

Bilbo opened his eyes and looked at the mirth dancing on Bofur’s. Oh, he was attractive alright, all mischievous smiles and twinkling eyes. And well, Bilbo _was_ quite hard. And the dwarves considered it perfectly normal, so… oh, if they knew this at the Shire! But he wasn’t in the Shire now, was he?

He swallowed around the knot on his throat and put his hand on top of Bofur’s.

“Do carry on, please”


	3. The stuff of legends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s funny how quickly one can change from being a perfectly respectable middle-aged hobbit to a writhing, squealing, sweaty (naked) mess in the middle of a dwarven pack.

It’s funny how quickly one can change from being a perfectly respectable middle-aged hobbit to a writhing, squealing, sweaty (naked) mess in the middle of a dwarven pack. Honestly, Bilbo was way past the point of caring by then, especially with Bifur petting his sweaty curls and cooing at him in that deep, rumbling voice of his, and Bofur… Bofur was simply doing wonderful things down there. And up here. By Eru, were all dwarves so skilled with their tongue? Bofur nibbled on a rosy nipple he had previously been doing unspeakable things to and Bilbo whimpered quite pathetically. Oh, he would feel terribly ashamed in the morning, he was sure of it, but right now everything was too exquisite for that.

Bofur chuckled and laved at the nipple with the flat of his tongue. Then, with no warning at all, his hands tightened were they had been resting on Bilbo’s hips and he flipped him on his stomach. Bilbo yelped and clutched at Bifur’s clothes instinctively.

“I say!”, he cried in an indignant tone of voice.

Bofur chuckled again (the gall!), but then he was parting Bilbo’s ass cheeks and burying his face there and suddenly all manhandling was forgiven. Oh, it had been _ages_ since anyone had done that to him! And the whiskers! So peculiar and new! And oh Eru, that tongue. That tongue was the stuff of legends.

He realized those last words might not have stayed in his mind when he heard a round of chortles and snickers around them and Bofur lifted his head to say proudly:

“Why thank ye, master Baggins! We shall tell the elves and they might compose a ballad or two for ye!”

“Oh, do shut up!”, Bilbo hid his flaming cheeks on Bifur’s chest, whose deep laugh made it rumble. Bofur laughed merrily too and thankfully returned to the task at hand. Or tongue, for that matter. Bilbo couldn’t help the moan and jerk he gave when Bofur’s teeth grazed his tender rim. Out of shock (what kind of wicked things did dwarves learn about in bed play?), he opened his eyes, which he had maintained carefully closed in an illusion of privacy. And oh, would you look at that, that was Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thrain, son of Thror, future King under the Monuntain, sitting with his legs crossed, just looking at him dead in the eyes with a gaze so penetrating he might as well be trying to get inside his soul.

Bilbo barely had time to register a sudden intense thrill shooting through his body like a bolt of lightning and then he was screaming like a banshee, channel spasming around Bofur’s marvelous tongue and coming all over Bifur’s clothes while the world seemed to explode in a million of different bright colors. Oh dear. Well, in his defense, it had been some time since his last tumble. 

When he was able to focus again, Thorin was _still_ looking at him and was that a hint of reluctant awe he saw? Whatever it was, he had no time to analyze it before Bofur flipped him again on his back and peered down at him with a wide smile that made his warm eyes crinkle at the corners.

“Well, that was fast! Should I take it as a compliment?”

Bilbo spluttered (honestly, did this dwarf have no shame?) and slapped him lightly on the arm.

“Whoever said I’m finished already, you… you _dwarf_?”

“Aye, that’s what I am”

“Oh, just shut up and get in me already”

At this, Bofur paused, clearly confused, and Bilbo blinked. Did he want to do it the other way around? Bilbo wasn’t opposed, but he had assumed, with all the licking down there…

“What do ye mean, ladde? Ye want a finger?”

“Well, yeah, a couple of them at least. Wouldn’t want to take you without a bit of stretching first” It seemed all his reservations had definitely gone out the window. Well, he could always go back to being a respectable hobbit in the morrow.

Then Fíli and Kíli’s faces appeared behind Bofur’s shoulders, and suddenly Bilbo had not one but three dwarves peering at him owlishly with a blank face.

“What’s the matter with you lot?”, he snapped, “Surely you’ve heard of the act. Weren’t just Nori and Dwalin doing a splendid demonstration of it?”

“Yeah…” It was Fíli who answered “But Nori has a forge. You, mister Baggins, have clearly a little hammer there”

For a moment Bilbo was torn between his surprise about Nori’s parts and his need to state that his “hammer” was a pretty respectable size for a hobbit, thank you very much. Then the meaning of the words sank in.

“You mean you’ve never heard of…? You have never…?” Bilbo harrumphed and covered his crotch with his discarded pants, suddenly feeling way too exposed to be having this kind of conversation. Or any kind, really. “You have never heard of two males… two people... with “hammers”… erm…?”

Kílis eyes widened almost comically.

“Is that even _possible_?”

And then there were a _lot_ more dwarven faces peering curiously at him. Even Nori and Dwalin were there, unashamedly naked and yeah, that was a forge alright. And a whole other level of hammer. Suddenly, Bilbo felt a lot of respect for Nori.

“Oh Eru” He covered his face with his hands “Alright, but I’m just explaining it once, so you better pay attention”

“Yes, mister Boggins!”, chortled Fíli and Kíli, and they all sat down around him like bright-eyed children waiting for a story. Bilbo sighed and massaged his temples. Honestly, _dwarves._ They would be the death of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, Nori is a trans male dwarf in this.


	4. Share it with the class

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This might be the strangest situation Bilbo had ever found himself in.

For a second after Bilbo finished explaining, everyone was dead silent. Then someone opened his mouth and the pandemonium started.

“You will die if you do that!”

“That’s impossible!”

“How in Mahal’s name…!”

“Surely you must be mistaken…”

“Alright, alright, be quiet you lot”, Bilbo tried to pacify them, but the voices only rose. That is, until their fearsome leader roared “SHUT UP” so loud that a few dogs started barking like crazy outside. Did they even have dogs in Rivendell?

In the awkward silence that followed, Bilbo cleared his throat and nodded to Thorin to say thank you. Thorin just scoffed lightly and looked away, but still. Bilbo was grateful.

“Alright so”, he started again “As I told you before, it’s completely safe if done right, and there is absolutely nothing to fear. It can actually be very pleasurable and quite nice. And!”, he raised his hand to stop Kíli, who had already jumped to speak, “And if you don’t believe me, I can tell you that I’m no stranger to the act, and as you can see I’m neither dead not maimed for life”

The dwarves considered this and murmured between themselves before seemingly coming to some kind of agreement. Dwalin crossed his arms over his (bare) chest and declared:

“If you do it first, Fíli and Kíli will try it”

Kíli nodded, eyes bright and excited. Fíli nodded too with a lillte more trepidation, but the seed of temptation was clearly there. Bilbo blinked, bemused. This evening was getting more and more surreal by the moment. He risked a look at Thorin, who was looking none too pleased, but the king didn’t say anything.

“I mean… I guess it’s fine”, after all, after coming already in public with Bofur’s tongue down his arsehole, he might as well do it. “Does anyone have any oil or salve to ease the way?”

-

This might be the strangest situation Bilbo had ever found himself in. And he had been debating the best ways to cook dwarf with three mountain trolls. But now he had thirteen dwarves sitting in a circle around him, watching carefully how he inserted two fingers inside himself and twisted them around. He tried to do it slowly and explain every step, but it was admittedly hard to keep his cool.

“Okay so this is obviously better if your partner does it for you, because they can reach deeper and put more fingers in, but this is also… nnngh… good. Now, as I’m moderately used to it, I don’t really need that much preparation, and I could even take someone with a moderately small size without any preparation at all if I did it…”, shaky exhale, “slowly”, he was panting slightly now and the hand he was using to support himself was trembling a little, but he carried on, “I think I’m ready now. Bofur, if you would be so kind?”

“Right ye are!”, Bofur hurried over, stark naked and sporting a proud, short but fairly thick erection. And even then, it was only short by dwarven standards. Bilbo suddenly regretted not taking more time to prepare. Oh well. So what if he couldn’t sit tomorrow? At least he would make sure he enjoyed this, however bonkers it was.

“On your back, Bofur, if you please”, as soon as the dwarf complied, he settled on his lap. Bofur smiled indecently and winked at him.

“Hello there, beautiful”

Bilbo snorted. Ridiculous dwarf. He positioned himself and grabbed hold of Bofur’s cock. Then, without further ado, he started to take him inside slowly, inch by inch. He had to stop frequently and breathe deeply, face scrunched with concentration (by Yavanna, he was _big_ ). To his credit, Bofur just held his hips loosely and kept perfectly still. He looked a little concerned, but also like he couldn’t believe what he was feeling. His eyes were so big it would be comical in any other situation. Around them, whispers of awe could be heard.

“Mahal’s beard, he’s actually doing it”

“Look at it all _go”_

“I didn’t think this was possible”

“But he’s only little! How is he taking it??”

Bilbo ignored them and kept lowering himself until his buttocks were finally resting on Bofur’s hips. Then he just sat there and took a moment to recover, breathing hard. He was sweating all over. He accidentally contracted his muscles a bit and Bofur keened, arching his back off the ground.

“Hey Bofur, how does it feel?”, called Nori, sprawled between Dwalin’s legs.

“It’s… ye’r… I…”, Bofur gave up and just moaned, and his hands tightened on Bilbo’s hips.

“Well it’s definitely something else if it makes _Bofur_ shut up”, laughed Dori.

“Fuck ye, mate”, retorted Bofur without heat.

Bilbo was currently letting them bicker to their heart’s content while he tried to make the most of it. He was moving his hips in tiny circles, sighing softly every time that beautiful fat cock brushed his prostate. Yavanna, but he had needed this. It had definitely been too long. After a while he started going up and down a little bit with his eyes closed, just enjoying the bliss. He didn’t realize he was moaning quietly until everyone stopped talking and went back to staring. Bilbo stopped and frowned at them.

“What now? I would think you now _this_ part at least. It really isn’t that different from a… forge and hammer situation”

 “Well yeah, but you have a little…”

“Yes Kíli, I am aware I have a cock, thank you”

“What my brother means to say”, intervened Fíli, covering Kíli’s mouth, “is that we didn’t think you could actually enjoy yourself doing that, but you clearly are, so…”

“Of course you can, I already told you so!”, Bilbo massaged his temple with a sigh, “You know what? I don’t care anymore. Bofur, would you please lay me down and bugger me silly? I feel like I’ve done enough of the work today”

“With pleasure”, said Bofur eagerly, and then proceeded to do just that, and between pants, moans and the occasional cry, Biblo’s mind went blissfully blank. Bofur fucked like he carried himself, with enough enthusiasm and mirth to transform a very respectable hobbit into a wanton little thing. He found his friend’s shoulders and held on for dear life and he didn’t think of anything, anything at all, and definitely not the way a certain handsome, brooding, grumpy king was looking at him from the sidelines like he didn’t know if he wanted to set him on fire or eat him right up and… oh, there went another orgasm, yep, that was a strong one. Bilbo _screamed_ and those were definitely dogs going wild outside, they were going to be lucky if the elves didn’t decide to banish them all in the morning for disturbance of peace.

Bofur thrusted once, twice more and he was gone as well, and oh that was a _lot._ Apparently not just a Fíli thing then. He then collapsed on top of the hobbit and hey just laid there, panting, sweaty and most definitely half dead in Bilbo’s case. Everyone was quiet for a long minute.

Then:

“Fee”

“I know”

“I want to do it Fee”

“I _know”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know the updates to this thing are super random but in my defense I always forget this exists. But here we are! Another update of silliness and sexy times. Kudos and comments are super appreciated <3


End file.
